My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be
Right back in my hometown With my new family
There's old friends and new friends And even a bear
Through good times and bad times It's true love we share
And so I found a place Where everyone will know
My happy mustache face This is the Cleveland Show
- Holt, what's up with the hair? - Thanks for noticing.
Hair growth shots. There's side effects, anal leakage.
No problem. Tampons work for guys too.
Our friend Holt.
Ahoy, shipmates.
I'm here to announce that our boat for the river race is officially ready.
Okay, we got, uh, me, Lester and, uh, Rachel Maddow here.
So all we need now is a fourth guy for our boat...
...and we'll be tasting free beer at the Stool for a year.
We didn't, uh, ask you, Cleveland, because of what, uh, Lester said.
Oh?
You're a jackass, bear, you know that?
What I had said was that maybe we ought not to ask you...
...because most of your blacks, not all, not all...
...don't like boats.
Water, neither.
- No, it's ice skating we don't like. - Oh.
I'll race with you sumbitches.
We are so going to win this thing.
Free beer for a year at the Stool.
Oh, I'm leaking.
Why is it so damn hot in here?
And cold?
Why is so damn hot and cold in here?
Oh, baby, you're burning up. Let me take your temperature.
Oh, boy, here it comes.
No, honey. Remember, we don't do it that way anymore.
Praise the Lord.
Sweet beets and peanut meat, 102.
We're getting you to bed right now.
No, I can't be sick now.
I gotta be at school. I got two ducks to color in.
I'm supposed to learn how to make a lowercase G.
And I'm line leader, Mama.
If those kids are crooked, it's on my head.
I'm sorry, baby.
You are staying home till you get over this thing.
The hell I am.
Now, I am going to school because I feel perfectly...
Aah! Unh!
Oh, God.
God, please get me out of this. Aah!
Oh, God, please? I'm sorry for everything.
I just want to feel better. Aah!
You got your four stations.
Hand cranks work in conjunction with the pedals.
It's the same engineering as a Geo Metro but less embarrassing to drive.
Lester, don't take this the wrong way...
...but if we lose the chance to win free beer because of your boat...
...I will eat you.
We just need to pedal in a pattern.
Left, left, left, right, left...
...right, right, right, right, right, right, left.
Breathe.
Repeat.
Left, left, left, right, left...
...right, right, right, right, right, right, left.
Three dudes who are right about everything...
...Kutcher, Jim Rome, Cleveland Brown.
I move to make Cleveland the captain of our team.
I second.
Couldn't vote for one in '08, can't do it now.
Yo, Cleveland, we got an installation up in Stoolbend Estates.
Oh, like a multimedia piece of art?
- What? - Ha-ha-ha. I'm coming.
- Hello? - Come on in.
Someone is living la vida richa.
I'm back here.
What's up, fellas?
Smells awful in here.
No. It smells like four Super Bowl rings in here.
I don't mean to stare...
...but you're Barry Shadwell, the only guy from Stoolbend...
...ever to make it to the NFL.
You were my boyhood idol.
Well, you and Gene Gene the Dancing Machine.
Hey, that's pretty good.
Mind reaching in that cabinet and grabbing me some TP?
I would be honored.
What brings you to Stoolbend?
A U-Haul and a late period. Ha-ha-ha, I'm just kidding.
I use Mayflower. Hey, how's that TP coming?
Here you go.
Just breathe into the bag, baby.
- Now, tell me what happened. - I met Barry Shadwell.
Pittsburgh Steelers.
You know, the king of the late hit.
I have his book.
I Never Understood the Rules: The Barry Shadwell Story.
Did you say you met Barry Shadwell?
I didn't know you like football.
Football? He's an actor.
He could help me get into showbiz.
Remember his pasta sauce commercials?
Say, your dinner need a late hit?
That's how you tackle a hungry crowd.
Mm. That's not just good, that's Barry good.
So get yourself a sack of sauce.
Shadwell's, the only pasta sauce that comes in a sack.
And then during nap time, the cops busted in...
...and arrested the music teacher for peddling files or something like that.
Then we found a whole bunch of popcorn in the bathroom and ate it.
Oh, man, I had to get sick on the best day ever.
So how are you feeling, man?
Not good.
In case I don't make it through this...
...Walt, you get my afro pick, my bullet collection...
...and my picture of a boob.
Julius, you get nothing.
I think we both know why.
Your cable's working just fine.
Well, thanks, Cleveland.
It was awfully nice of you to check it out.
Though nothing's wrong with it and I didn't call.
- Why would you have? - Huh?
Put on a helmet, damn it.
I told you, pain is the only thing that reminds me I'm alive.
That's my ex-stepson, Larry.
What he needs is a girlfriend.
Well, I could fix him up with my stepdaughter, Roberta.
She loves white idiots.
I can see it now.
After further review, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride and by rule...
...you may have contact beginning tonight.
First down.
You know, Larry was gonna be my shipmate for that Stoolbobber Regatta...
...but then the turdball backed out on me.
You look strong. Why don't you be my partner?
- Unless you got other plans. - Well, actually...
- Don't screw over your friends, Cleveland. - Oh, hi, miniature Daryl Hall.
The guys are counting on you.
You can't just abandon your friends for a better opportunity.
Oh, look at Mr. Solo-Album talking about abandoning friends.
If Barry Shadwell had wanted to be my partner...
...you wouldn't be listening to Hall & Oates...
...you'd be listening to Shadwell & Oates.
Really? This is your hypothetical, and you'd still put Shadwell's name first?
- You're pathetic. - Kiss my ass, Hall.
Oh, what am I gonna do?
Well, if you abandon your friends, then in my opinion...
You're a bitch, girl And you've gone too far
Because you know It don't matter anyway
Those little hit-makers are right.
It doesn't matter anyway.
Nothing matters.
Nothing at all.
So I guess I'll race with you.
Dude, hide the eggs, bro.
They're my nuggets, and I can tan them up whenever I damn well please.
Oh, hey, guys. Great news.
Cle-bro. Check it out.
Wow, you named the boat after me. Oh, that's so nice.
But I've met someone.
Hey, Cleveland. You ready to go?
Holy crap, it's Al Roker.
That's Barry Shadwell, you idiot.
My friend Barry Shadwell.
I want to get him to sign this paddle.
Uh, I'll suggest "Oars truly," but it is up to him.
Uh, at the end of the day.
And, um, maybe I'll say, "Canoe sign this?"
Shut the fuck up, Tim.
Yeah, you don't ask Barry Shadwell to sign a paddle.
You ask him to sign your scuba flipper.
Oh, I'm so glad you guys are down with Barry Shadwell...
...and will thus be understanding that I'm gonna race with him in the regatta.
Yay, awesome.
Well, how is that awesome for us?
Your friend gets to ride on a boat with his hero.
Sweet.
Hooray.
Hey, my ninjas, what's the haps?
Well, Cleveland, it's just the whole Barry Shadwell thing...
...uh, just kind of makes us feel like we're second-class...
Oh, hey. Barry Shadwell.
No, I'm not doing anything.
No one important.
A redneck, a midget and a bear.
No, not a Chicago Bear.
Ha-ha-ha. Barry Shadwell.
You see, what I've done is, I've acted out all the parts...
...in the last three episodes of 'Til Death, except I inserted jokes.
That sounds really great. I think I auditioned for that.
That was one of the over 10,000 parts my agent said I almost got.
Hey, you know who would love to see this? Larry.
Hey, Larry, get your ass in here.
Roberta here made a little video.
Why don't you two watch it on the big screen in the master bedroom?
What?
You know, maybe the two of us could fool around a little.
Fool around?
The only fool around here is you.
Well, we may as well watch her demo.
I can't believe you're going to spend our anniversary watching football.
Did you wanna watch basketball?
I'll show you a basketball.
I was on Everybody Loves Raymond.
Aw.
- Roberta, what's wrong? - What's wrong?
Here I am, innocently trying to exploit Cleveland's celebrity connection...
...and the whole time, he's just trying to pimp me out.
First good idea you had since you showed up.
What the hell was that?
It's Rallo. I got him an intercom so he doesn't feel left out.
So how much we getting for the girl?
Shut up, Rallo.
Hey, that's my connection...
...to the outside world.
I exist. Rallo.
Cleveland, I think you owe Roberta an apology.
Okay. I'm sorry.
Look, maybe I pushed things a little too fast...
...so let's just slow it down with a nice dinner for you...
...me, Barry and Larry.
B-Shad and I already took the liberty of making reservations.
You're going to that dinner alone.
My daughter is not for sale like some Chinese baby.
This is a dream come true.
We're so excited to pick up May Ling.
Well, here she is.
No MSG.
What's up, Barry and Larry Shadwell?
Hey, Cleveland. Where's Larry's lovely lady?
She was murdered last night.
Damn, I guess I'll go home and watch Swordfish again.
Huh. No reason the two of us still can't have dinner.
We're training for a regatta.
That means boat race.
Waiter, check this out.
I'm having dinner with Barry Shadwell.
The Barry Shadwell.
I've never heard of Barry Shadwell.
- Well, what's your name? - Frank Larson.
Barry, have you ever heard of Frank Larson?
Of course. Huge fan, Frank.
- How about a steak, please? - I'll also have a steak.
You know what? Just bring the whole cow.
Steak is my second favorite thing to eat.
- Wink, wink. - Huh?
Oh, I am drunk.
I would not wanna be the people driving...
...on the correct side of the highway tonight.
Hey, I could drive you, Cleveland.
When you've had as many concussions as I've had...
...alcohol no longer affects you.
I'm sorry about Roberta.
But if you got a niece with low standards, I got a fat son.
Uh-oh.
Ha-ha-ha. Uh-oh.
Here, let me get that.
Hey, uh, you got something in your mustache.
- What? - Me.
What just happened? What just happened?
Okay, cable...
...Barry Shadwell...
Dinner, drinks, then...
And then he kissed me. Oh, God.
- Daddy? - Aah... Ow! What the hell, Junior?
I saw you kiss Mr. Shadwell last night.
Daddy, is there something you wish to tell me?
What? I didn't kiss him, he kissed me.
Okay. But you didn't try to stop him.
Look, he kissed me. I was surprised.
It's over.
I understand.
So do you just like kissing football players...
...or are all athletes fair game?
For instance, if Hank Aaron was here, would you kiss him?
- No. - Michael Phelps?
- Hell, no. - Ha, ha.
Oh, Daddy, I know you're not gay. You're too fat to be gay.
And you are too.
Love you, fatty.
Yep, that's true.
Hey, man, uh, we gotta talk.
- Look, I'm not gay. - Well, I'm not gay either.
But it's March, and where I come from, March is Prison Rules Month.
- March is? - Hey, man, it's not all my fault.
- I mean, you wanted me to kiss you. - What?
- What on earth would make you think that? - You're joking, right?
You're always staring at me...
...you know all my stats, your voice is slightly gay...
...and your mustache is groomed.
My mustache is for the ladies.
Look, listen, let's forget the kiss ever happened.
What kiss?
When you two were on the porch the other night.
Shut up.
Don't tell me to shut up, banana slammers.
Now, look, what's done is done.
- Let's just go win that race tomorrow. - Uh, yeah, man.
I'm not sure about that race.
- Why not? - You're gay.
Darling, sit down. I have something to tell you.
Oh, honey, if it's that you kissed Barry Shadwell, I know.
- What? - Your son's been telling the whole town.
That fat son of a bitch.
I may be fat, but I don't kiss boys.
Oh, D-na. What are we gonna do?
What? What did you call me?
- D-na? - Cleveland, what's my name?
- Huh? - Cleveland, listen up.
You're acting like a homophobe.
That's as bad as being a racist.
No, it isn't. I don't wanna kiss a white man either.
Look, honey, it's just sexuality. We're all somewhere on the grid.
I know you're not gay. You know you're not gay.
Everyone knows you're not gay.
But I'd rather have everyone think you were gay...
...than think you were a bigot.
Donna.
Well, it's a beautiful day here in Stoolbend, Angus.
Perfect weather for the 35th Annual Stoolbobber Regatta.
We should have convinced the station to cover this.
- Good practice, though. - Great practice.
Hey, uh, thanks for filling in at the last minute, Kendra.
You're a regular Dick Sargent.
I just hope we see a mermaid.
Yeah, I saw a mermaid once. Nailed her.
Turned out it was a sea bass.
Whatever. They all look the same on a bed of ice.
What do you say we win this race?
I'm here. I can steer.
Get used to it.
- Cleveland. I could kiss you. - Ha-ha-ha. Uh-uh.
Boaters, take your marks.
And go.
They're off.
And immediately, all the boats we don't care about are out of the race.
The breeze is picking up, so don't expect smooth sailing.
Great farting weather, though.
My Cheez-Its.
Kendra, no. We need you for balance.
Gentlemen, it has been a privilege playing with you tonight.
That wind has caused a real chop in the water.
Bad news for notoriously bisexual Barry Shadwell...
...and his boyfriend du jour, Cleveland Brown.
We're veering off course.
The tiller line broke.
What about the spindlewick?
No, it's tangled in the flange toggle.
Then what's the reading on the flicker gauge?
Sixty wampashears.
Prepare to scuttle the mizzen-flume.
The mizzen-flume.
Aah! Cleveland. I'm going overboard.
Cleveland, help me. They're slipping through my hands.
Hand me that rope, and I'll tie down the tiller.
How am I supposed to reach it?
Use your mouth and pass it to me.
Oh, what the hell.
- We won. - At what cost?
- I've been thinking... - I just wanted to say...
Please, you go first.
Well, I've been thinking.
We had some fun, but it got pretty weird.
So it's probably best if one of us leaves this town...
...and since I've only been here like six days and you've been here for like a year...
...I think I should go.
- Friends? - Without benefits.
Hey, fellas.
Listen, I know I let you guys down and I'm sorry.
- Denied. - Screw you, traitor.
Oh, and you, Tim? What of Tim?
God forgives, I don't.
Would it make any difference if I gave you all...
...my "free beer for a year" coupons?
It would make a significant difference.
Well, all right, then.
For the next year, the beers are on me.
I'm done with beer, anyway.
Hello? Carb city.
Population, my thighs.
- What does that mean, Cleveland? - I don't know.
What's happening to me?